Monday, December 16, 2013

mail surveillance generates outrage

Through a program of covertly reading and recording all mail entering and leaving the Ode Street Tribune's headquarters, the Tribune's journalist has learned that the Tribune's publisher has been sending holiday cards to his newspaper friends.  The journalist was asked to mail the above two cards yesterday ("get 'em down to the Post Office, right now!").  Following his normal surveillance procedure, the journalist unsealed the envelopes with a steam iron, read the contents, photographed them, resealed them, recorded the destination addresses, and then dropped them into a nearby mail drop.

The journalist's investigation has revealed that the publisher has sent 17 holiday cards to newspaper friends.  All the cards were "notecards for typography nerds" apparently procured from the local paper goods store craftgasm.  All the cards had an identical message inside:
Season's Greetings!  Another great year for newspapers.  Read yours every morning in the bathroom.  Hope your business is moving along smoothly.  My kids are all grown up now and never call.  No news is good news.  Wife keeps telling her new husband that he doesn't do things like I did.  Knew she'd miss me.  Best, etc.
Background investigations on the cards' addressees indicates that NOT ONE SINGLE ADDRESSEE was a journalist.

This afternoon, the journalist walked into the Tribune's executive suite and right by the publisher's secretary as she was occupied applying white-out to a document.  On the publisher's massive mahogany desk the journalist slapped down a dossier over-flowing with papers from his holiday card investigation.  He made an obscene gesture toward the publisher, turned around, and walked out.

The Tribune now has an immediate opening for an experienced, highly skilled journalist. Recent turmoil at local news organization Patch bodes well for the Tribune's hiring prospects.  Based on last year's experience, the Tribune's Editorial Board, Managing Editor, Deputy Managing Editor, News Editor, Associate News Editor, and the various department heads estimate that HR processing and on-boarding of a timely new hire would allow the Tribune to resume producing useful work by Thursday, January 2, 2014.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Tribune stands with our soldiers

Many American men and women, serving in harm's way far away from home, won't be home for the holidays.  Many other Americans, working hard to make ends meet and to provide essential services for others, will be working through the holidays.  In honor and recognition of these sacrifices, the Ode Street Tribune's publisher has ordered the Tribune's journalist to work through the holidays.

In other news, Rosslyn-styled tote bags were available at this past Friday's excellent holiday market in Rosslyn.  Trend-setters, hipsters, avant-garde artists, and others are now carrying these bags.  Don't be seen going to Safeway without one!

Friday, December 13, 2013

mushroom fills secret hiding spot

A mushroom has filled Rosslyn's famous secret hiding spot.  Because the over-worked Ode Street Tribune staff lacks the expertise to scientifically identify mushrooms, the Tribune cannot forecast when the spot will open again.  Until that happens, persons seeking to hide jewels or engage in a secret transfer will have to seek another spot.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

long fall, mild winter predicted

This year the famous red holiday ball appeared high up on the weeping evergreen at the the historically important Westermoreland Terrace Condominiums.  It subsequently has moved much closer to the ground.  According to local folklore, that indicates a long fall and a mild winter.  The holiday ball's previous predictions have put groundhogs around the world to shame.

Rosslyn holiday market this Friday

This Friday, Dec. 13, a special holiday market with be bustling just across from Cupid's Garden in Rosslyn from 10am to 10pm.  The newly renovated 1500 Wilson Blvd building will feature for this one special day:
a day-long, music-filled, party-like atmosphere .... Shoppers can enjoy a sampling of sweets, snacks and refreshments while also indulging in an array of services offered on site, such as massages, holiday hair blowouts, cigar rolling, spirits tastings, boutique shopping and a free holiday photo booth. Free talks and demos throughout the day will offer insights on everything from gourmet coffee roasting to ballet-barre
Last week, the Ode Street Tribune's journalist stumbled upon the Grump holiday arts and crafts sale at Artisphere.  It was a great opportunity for some special shopping.  Whether you missed or made that special sale, don't miss the special holiday market this coming Friday in Rosslyn.


Shoppers should approach these fine markets well-informed about how to eat delicacies.  With a keen sense for the public interest, the Tribune's journalist investigated Potomac chocolate's table at this past Saturday's market. Potomac Chocolate is a one-person, bean-to-bar fine dark chocolate maker based in Woodbridge, Virginia. The Tribune's journalist bought a bar of Potomac Chocolate San Martin 70% chocolate.  That bar has only two ingredients: "single origin dark chocolate made from cacao grown in the Amazonian highlands of Peru" and sugar.  Here's the journalist's review of its taste: "oh, that's so good ...chomp chomp chomp .. umm ... chomp chomp ... gone all ready?"  Owner and chocolate-maker Ben Rasmussen offers advice on tasting fine chocolate:
Put the piece of chocolate on your tongue and let it slowly melt–don’t chew it. While it melts, pay attention to the texture: is it smooth, too smooth, a little gritty? Also, note how the flavor develops. Some chocolate is relatively simple, with one flavor throughout–while others will have distinct tastes at the beginning, middle and end. Is it fruity, bitter, earthy? Does it change as it melts? Does it linger after it’s gone? 
Eating fine food is like reading a fine news source: it must be savored.  Remember that at this Friday's holiday market in Rosslyn.

Unfortunately, Potomac Chocolate apparently will not be at this Friday's market.  About seventy stores in the region sell Potomac Chocolate. The Tribune asked Potomac Chocolate owner Ben Rasmussen what store in Rosslyn sells his chocolate.  With great shame, he acknowledged that none does.  The Tribune's journalist demanded an explanation.  Rasmussen countered with the question, "What store in Rosslyn would you like to see selling my chocolate?"  The journalist's minded raced in silence and then he muttered some business boilerplate about wanting to do focus-group testing.  After extensive interviews with Rosslyn residents, the answer is obvious: Miracles by Olympia.

Monday, December 9, 2013

still time for joy and peace

Rosslyn's Arlington Temple United Methodist Church is holding a special Sunday service sermon series entitled "Why Christmas matters."  You may have already missed Hope and Love, but this Sunday, Dec. 15, is Joy, and Sunday, Dec. 22, Peace.  All are welcomed on Sundays at 10:30am above the gas station in Rosslyn.  A candlelight service on Christmas Eve, Dec. 24, will be at 7:30pm.

This past June, Rosslyn's Arlington Temple welcomed at new pastor, Reverend Allie Rosner.  With the Heavy Seas Alehouse opening soon in Rosslyn, Rev. Rosner will have to rise to the challenge to keep the Temple Rosslyn's leading religious institution.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

it's a girl!

Rosslyn's premiere hair salon, Miracles by Olympia, this week welcomed a new baby girl.  Miracles has been in Rosslyn for nearly two decades.  Throughout those many years of service, new, amazing work has been continually happening there.  The Ode Street Tribune congratulates Miracles on its new creation.

The Miracles' window display is a must-see destination for anyone strolling around Rosslyn.  It's right across from Cupid's Garden at the intersection of Wilson Blvd. and Oak St.

Friday, December 6, 2013

new digital water meter underground on 12th St.

An Arlington County Department of Environmental Services (DES) crew installed a new digital water meter to serve Rosslyn's award-winning condominium building at 1510 12th St.  Water is billed on a building-by-building basis.  With the new digital meter, crews will be able to wirelessly read the meter without opening the access hole.  But switching out water meters isn't an easy job.  The three-man DES crew had to unweld the existing meter to insert the new one.  Over time, all the water meters in the area will be ungraded to digital meters. 


Getting running water into homes is an enormous technological achievement.  It depends on a lot of community infrastructure that needs to be maintained and upgraded.  The same is true for electric and communications networks.  Without men going down into holes, you'd be miserable: thirsty, cold, and incommunicado.  Be grateful for the comfort you have.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

eternity every day at 7pm at Artisphere

Famous kinetic artist Alicia Eggert exhibit at Artisphere includes a piece consisting of thirty electric clocks.  The hands of the electric clocks spell out "ETERNITY" every day at exactly 7pm. 

Now is a good time of year to ponder the passing of time.  Alicia Eggert's exhibit will get you thinking about the passing of time.  Don't miss the exhibit's opening reception this Thursday, Dec. 5, from 7-10pm at Artisphere.  You can experience Eggert's unique active art, mingle with other culturally sophisticated persons gathering here in Rosslyn, and grab some free food.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Tribune considering move to top of 1812 North Moore

The Ode Street Tribune is considering moving its corporate headquarters from the historic Westmoreland Terrace Condominiums to the top floor of Rosslyn's new 1812 North Moore St. tower.   The top floor of 1812 North Moore offers a commanding view of the region and is particularly appropriate for a leading news source.  "When people think of the Ode Street Tribune, I want them to raise their eyes," said the Tribune's Publisher.  "Yes, I support everything the Publisher says.  The Tribune is all about looking up," declared the Tribune's Managing Editor.  "Agreeeeeeeed," chimed in six deputy editors, five assistant editors, four departmental heads, three news editors, two layout coordinators, and a biz-head in a tweed suit.  The Tribune's journalist silently and thoughtfully continued chewing on his cigar.

The 1812 North Moore tower has been completed in recent weeks.  It's the tallest building in the metropolitan area apart from the Washington Monument.  No tenants have yet been signed.  Bidding to lease the top floor is expected to be intense.  The Ode Street Tribune's management committee is drafting a proposal to hire a consultant to do a feasibility study for the Tribune's bid.  In an exclusive interview, the Tribune's publisher declared that the Tribune's revenues have been rock solid since its historic founding in 2007.  The publisher expressed confidence that the Tribune could put together a winning bid.

Monday, December 2, 2013

helping college students bike to Rosslyn

The North Face store in Georgetown is supplying bikes to help college students in Georgetown get to Rosslyn.  The above bike was recently spotted just outside Rosslyn's Riverplace Condominiums.  Good businesses look for ways to support their local community.  There's no better way to support your local community than to strive to improve connections to Rosslyn.