The journalist's investigation has revealed that the publisher has sent 17 holiday cards to newspaper friends. All the cards were "notecards for typography nerds" apparently procured from the local paper goods store craftgasm. All the cards had an identical message inside:
Season's Greetings! Another great year for newspapers. Read yours every morning in the bathroom. Hope your business is moving along smoothly. My kids are all grown up now and never call. No news is good news. Wife keeps telling her new husband that he doesn't do things like I did. Knew she'd miss me. Best, etc.Background investigations on the cards' addressees indicates that NOT ONE SINGLE ADDRESSEE was a journalist.
This afternoon, the journalist walked into the Tribune's executive suite and right by the publisher's secretary as she was occupied applying white-out to a document. On the publisher's massive mahogany desk the journalist slapped down a dossier over-flowing with papers from his holiday card investigation. He made an obscene gesture toward the publisher, turned around, and walked out.
The Tribune now has an immediate opening for an experienced, highly skilled journalist. Recent turmoil at local news organization Patch bodes well for the Tribune's hiring prospects. Based on last year's experience, the Tribune's Editorial Board, Managing Editor, Deputy Managing Editor, News Editor, Associate News Editor, and the various department heads estimate that HR processing and on-boarding of a timely new hire would allow the Tribune to resume producing useful work by Thursday, January 2, 2014.